larry bilotta

I hope you enjoyed reading this blog post. If you want to shorten your spouse's midlife crisis, click here.

  • Home
  • Blog
  • Midlife Crisis: When the Fog Lifts
Midlife crisis when the fog lifts

Midlife Crisis - When the Fog Lifts

I know what you're thinking - when will this ever end?

I get it. You're tired of the endless pain, emptiness and sadness.

You've grown tired of the chaos and pain your midlife crisis spouse has inflicted upon your children and your family.

Whether you're married or not, when partner has been in a midlife crisis for 1 week or 1 year, "when will the fog lift" is inevitably at the forefront of your mind.

But here's what you might not know.

Your spouse must complete 3 steps before they enter the "awakening" stage. 

In my free Midlife Crisis Roadmap guide, I go into detail about each of the stages of midlife crisis along with what to expect and mistakes to avoid.

But today, we're focused on STAGE 7 - awakening.

Step 1: Self-Reflection

As your spouse transitions through the first step, imagine they are peeking under a curtain to see what’s on the other side.  

They'll see their best and his worst self which creates a strong sense of REGRET. 

As the midlife crisis spouse reflects upon their childhood, they might look back at painful things from their childhood and realize what happened was really not their fault.

This realization offers the first sense of relief in a long time.

'"It’s not my current reality, it’s just history."

At the center of midlife crisis is a main theme - CHANGE.  

Not simple change, but a deep, lasting change because the spouse in midlife crisis has been at their worst, FULLY embracing their dark side.  

It's a hypothetical leap from a plane without a parachute to find out just how bad, “bad” could be.  

No limits, no restrictions, no going back. It’s only in the awakening phase, that a midlife crisis spouse can account for consequences.

midlife crisis spouse

As your spouse moves toward a sense of acceptance for their actions, if you still want this man or woman, it would benefit both of you a great deal if you could join in that spirit of acceptance. 

I know for many men and women, that's a big IF.

You still love this person, but you're afraid to get hurt again. But the hard truth is that without acceptance, you're prolonging the midlife crisis, not helping it come to an end.

Acceptance that this was your spouse or partner's unique path can help you personally move forward. But remember - you're not out of the woods yet.

The reason the phrase "midlife crisis fog" so accurately describes the situation is because a midlife crisis is murky, unclear, and unpredictable.

And while few studies are available citing actual midlife crisis statistics, one new study has come to light showing midlife crisis is more than a theory. 

Let's move onto the next step spouses go through when the midlife crisis fog lifts.

Step 2: Temptation

As odd as this may sound, the second stage of acceptance involves temptation to go back to the very dark place the midlife crisis spouse just left. 

But don't let this second stage of awakening fool you.

These urges originate from that little voice in your spouse's head that pushes them to live a destructive life, recreating the chaos from childhood.

It’s as if they are revisiting each stage, but this time with a clear head, asking “why did I like that?”

As your midlife crisis spouse begins to answer these questions, they will open old doors temporarily, only to shut them down permanently upon the realization that those short-term rewards are not worth the long-term consequences.

midlife crisis spouse awakening open doors

Step 3: Facing Fears

Finally, your midlife crisis spouse or partner will begin to face the fears they were unwilling to look at before.

Midlife Crisis: When the Fog Lifts

They'll consider questions like...

  • Am I getting old? I guess it’s okay to be old.  
  • Do people like me? Some people don’t like me, but most people do.  

These answers will help secure their new identity.

Remember - this is the midlife crisis fog - it will take time for your midlife crisis spouse to settle down.  They may do some rebelling here and there before settling into a new “normal” identity.  

Common Mistakes to Avoid

mistakes to avoid midlife crisis spouse
  • Pushing for an apology
  • Wanting to rehash all the details – the story and all the grizzly details of what happened during an affair will not help you
  • Getting them to admit what they did "I want him/her to know what they did to me"
  • Assuming you’re out of the woods - everything is back to normal
  • Expectations to rejoin in activities thinking that will make your midlife crisis spouse normal again

Nobody said this is easy and it most certainly is not.

BUT YOU'RE STILL HERE so that tells me you may have the strength to see this through.

Many men and women make this first mistake of pushing for an apology or explanation. 

And by now you might be wondering "but Larry, what's wrong with that? That's the LEAST they can do for the HELL I've been put through".

I understand, but when you demand an explanation, at best you'll get convoluted answers like “I don’t know what I was thinking”. 

Does this answer offer you a sense of relief? Not likely.

It this just an excuse? Not entirely.

A spouse waking up from the midlife crisis fog is reluctant to talk about it because they don't understand it themselves.

As a sane person yourself, think of it this way. The man or woman you married has in effect, left the planet and is not acting reasonably and rationally as themselves. You can't treat them like a normal person and if you do, they'll CONTINUE to pull away.

Remember - during the awakening phase, you're walking on thin ice.

thin ice

For the first time in a long time, have the first sign of hope that your midlife crisis spouse is going back to their former self - the person you married, the man or woman you fell in love with and very likely built a (formerly) beautiful life with. 

The reason I warn you of this is because a midlife crisis spouse can still collapse during this phase.

In fact, the mistakes above would almost guarantee they will.

So here's what this boils down to.

Do you love this person?

If so and you still want them in your life, focus on being very sensitive to them, and try to feel what they are feeling. If you came from a healthy, happy childhood home, a midlife crisis and everything that goes with it is completely foreign to you.

If you ALSO experienced a childhood home where you felt abandonment, abuse or neglect, you may struggle feeling secure yourself.

You'll find this stage VERY difficult as you are overwhelmed feelings of emptiness and hurt. But if you want this to end, you need to stay strong, stay the course, and focus on understanding and empathizing with yours spouse.

This is the job of learning to love yourself.

How to Shorten Your Spouse's Midlife Crisis

If you want to learn how to shorten your spouse's midlife crisis and win their heart back - without their participation, watch the FREE on-demand class below.

For over 36 years, I've taught men and women around the world how to gain a sense of calm and composure. They learn how to overcome any childhood pain they experienced themself -  and understand their spouse's to gain a new perspective which is key to the healing process.

Ruminating and obsessing over your spouse is common, but unproductive and will not bring this difficult chapter to a close - in fact it will prolong it.

Learning to control your own emotions is a complete game changer and is the quickest path to getting your family back. I'll show you how.


Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked

{"email":"Email address invalid","url":"Website address invalid","required":"Required field missing"}