Has your husband suddenly become a man you no longer recognize?
It's as if everything changed overnight. “This is not the man I married” is a frequent thought that crosses your mind as you struggle to rationalize or make sense of what has happened. Midlife crisis, depression, post-traumatic stress syndrome – whatever you want to call it, your husband is in deep emotional crisis and you have an important decision to make.
Are you going to weather the storm with your husband or throw in the towel?
Every divorce is built on the same system that is created during your first ten years of childhood. For most of us, it is during this time that the future of your marriage is “locked in” or decided. Few people have the ability to buck what was injected into their brains during those first ten critical years.
- The chaos in your parents’ marriage
- Whether or not your parents’ divorced
- The belief your parents had about divorce
- Your religious beliefs or lack thereof
- How your gender of parent treated the other
- How your parents handled conflict
All of these beliefs were determined in your first ten years. As an adult, your brain now runs a machine that keeps pushing you back there - back to a place called "Normal".
When you have very little programming with healthy instructions on how to care for your spouse, you have virtually no way to stop issues like these from invading your personal life:
- An affair
- Fights about sex
- Communication breakdown
- No loyalty
- In-law problems
- Falling out of love
- Second marriage conflict
- Angry blow ups
- No romance
- Being ignored
- Money problems
- Children problems
If you’re married to a man who has seemingly become a different person overnight, you are married to what I call a “Chaos Kid”. This is a man whose upbringing was traumatic, neglectful or chaotic. There are different degrees of neglect that create a Chaos Kid but the bottom line is this – conventional marriage advice will NOT work for Chaos Kids.
Where Do You and Your Husband Fall on the Chaos to Purpose Scale?
A Chaos Kid is angry about their childhood and that childhood anger is now directed at you. YOU have become the enemy. Everything you do and say is a threat. It doesn’t matter how good or bad you’ve been as a wife, if he was married to someone else, it would be the same story.
The 5 Rules of a Chaos Kid Husband You Need to Understand
- He says what he doesn’t mean and what he means, he doesn’t say.
- He believes his needs are more important than your needs.
- He sells himself as somebody he’s not.
- Any good thing you do or say, he sees as a threat.
- He wants what he can’t have and what he has, he doesn’t want.
In this hostile environment, you must become you at your best to avoid pushing him further away. Gifts, cards, kind words, notes and affection will only push him further away from you and add fuel to the fire.
Now that we’ve confirmed your husband is a Chaos Kid, one of the most difficult things you’ll be faced with is understanding the fact that you can’t treat him like a normal man. You’ll try to rationalize, make sense of the situation, buy cards for birthdays and holidays, apologize often, tell him you love him like you would in a normal marriage.
But Be Warned - All of These Things Will Backfire.
A Midlife Crisis is a Whole Different Ballgame
You are NOT dealing with a normal man anymore. You’ve just left the world of logical thinking and entered into the land of blaming, accusations, emotional and physical chaos.
So how are you going to weather the storm? What’s your plan?
In over 15 years of working with couples, I’ve never seen one couple where both spouses came from healthy childhoods who had conflict in their marriage they couldn’t resolve on their own.
TROUBLED CHILDHOODS = TROUBLED MARRIAGES This is not a theory, it’s a fact.
And the sooner you wrap your head around what this is and how to survive it, the quicker you’ll get a grasp on how to weather this storm and avoid making things worse.
In today’s society, a midlife crisis is an epidemic that is rarely discussed or explained and is often rationalized as a ‘mental illness’ by psychologists or those in the medical field. I’ve studied the patterns for over 15 years of Chaos Kids and what happens when their troubled childhood comes to get them during marriage.
But I want you to go through this with a plan, rather than a blindfold.
To help you do this...
Win Your Husband's Heart Back WITHOUT His Cooperation
This strategy session is a chance to see if my approach is a good fit for you. It's an opportunity to ask any urgent questions you have right now and make some sense of your situation.
Is it too late to save your marriage? Despite what your family, friends (and even marriage counselors) say, you CAN win him back, even if...
He's in a midlife crisis
If your husband no longer resembles the man you married, it’s likely he is in a midlife crisis. The good news? A midlife crisis is NOT the end of your marriage.
He's having an affair
If your husband is having an affair, you CAN win his heart back again by “becoming the girlfriend” again.
He has already filed for divorce
The legal agreement of divorce does not mean you can’t rebuild the trust and win your husband’s heart back. He can be won over again IF you follow the right path.
He says he doesn't love you anymore
Your husband says cruel, hurtful things as an attempt to push you away and ultimately get relief from the pressure he is feeling. Despite what most people think, this is NOT a deal breaker!
Dear Mr. Bilotta,(Julia Johnson) Actual name withheld to protect her privacy
And I do mean Dear because your help has been invaluable in teaching me about my husband's midlife crisis, how to deal with it, and how to kill the monster inside me! You offered me clear, concrete ways to improve our situation. Things in our marriage have become much more stable, however, my husband is really struggling with how to bring himself out of the crisis mode and the associated stress. He's been seeing a counselor for months, but that has been no help at all, and in fact I believe the counselor is steering my husband in the wrong direction.
Larry is amazing! The great news was a couple a small break-throughs my husband had. He invited me and my 4 yr old on his own and he texted me while he was out with his friends tonight! He has been acting like he used to. All of the tips provided by Larry have been so helpful and they all work! I'm not stressed and I feel great actually. I just love to say you guys are amazing for what you have done and it makes me feel great that I have you for support. You are true heroes for doing what you do. Thank you! I am so grateful to have found your site, I can't thank you guys enough!(Ariana Garcia) Actual name withheld to protect her privacy
Should I Get My Husband Involved?
99% of the time, the answer to this question is no. Chaos Kids going through a midlife crisis are rarely open to new ideas, especially new ideas that come from you. Chaos Kids refuse to accept responsibility or admit that they are wrong. In fact, just the opposite is true.
If you approach your husband with this information, he will tell you that YOU are the one who needs help and that you should “go fix yourself” because you are the cause of problems in the marriage. The rare exception would be if your husband has long been going through a midlife crisis and has finally seen the damage he has inflicted on the family. At this point in time your husband may be ready to learn, but most of the time, it is best to keep this to yourself for now.
How Do I Know if My Husband is Going through a Midlife Crisis?
If the 5 rules of a Chaos Kid shown at the top of this page ring true for your husband, then he is going through a midlife crisis. While age is not always a factor, a troubled childhood home IS always a telltale sign of a midlife crisis.
What if He Has Filed for Divorce and Told Me it’s Over?
Anything your husband says to you at this point is based on the anger of his childhood. That anger is directed at you and YOU are now the enemy. Whether it is you or any other woman, your husband would STILL go through this at some point in his life. Similar to a ticking time bomb, your husband’s rage has been there since day 1 silently waiting to erupt since he was young.
For this reason, it’s important you don’t put too much emphasis on what your husband says to you right now. Chaos Kids’ emotions wildly vary from one day to the next. One day, he will want a divorce, the next, he’s certain it is over. Nothing is permanent in a midlife crisis – even divorce papers. Your focus should be on surviving the crisis, maintaining the emotional security of your children, keeping yourself healthy (both mentally and physically) and not giving up on your husband.
Does Everyone Go Through a Midlife Crisis?
Absolutely not. People who come from a troubled home who live on the higher side of the Chaos to Purpose scale (shown above) do not go through a midlife crisis. Only those on the lower end of the scale are saddled with the dark programming ‘machine’ from their past.
As an adult, this programming tries to recreate ‘normal’. If their life was filled with chaos, abuse and neglect as a kid, that is what the brain will try to recreate as an adult. We call this a midlife crisis.
There IS a Way to Win Your Husband Back, Even if You’ve Tried Everything Else and Nothing Has Worked...
Over the past 36 years, I’ve been developing a way to help women in your situation change the tense and negative environment between them and the person they thought they knew…the person who has seemingly become a different person overnight.
My system will give you a way to…
- Learn to attract your husband like no other woman
- Turn yourself into the most desirable woman in your husband’s eyes
- Get rid of the bad feelings between you and your husband
This system IS for you if:
- You believe your husband is going through a midlife crisis
- You are 100% committed to winning your husband's heart back
- You are ready to find personal fulfillment and happiness - and move away from the emotional "pinball" you've become
- You want to break the chain of family chaos and protect your children repeating the chaos in their own lives
- You can't picture yourself with any other man
This system is NOT for you if:
- You are still filled with a great deal of anger and resentment over past issues
- You insist you are right and he is wrong
- You have “one foot out the door” and have nearly given up
- You do not believe only one person can transform a marriage
- You are not ready to do something about the state of your marriage now
- You are convinced it's already too late to save your marriage
It doesn’t matter if your husband files for divorce tomorrow or 1 year from now. You can always get another marriage, another legal document…but you can’t get another man just like your husband. It’s up to you to create a new relationship out of the ashes of the old one.
If you have the patience, persistence and motivation to win your husband back, click the button below to apply for a private 1 hour call to see if this approach is right for you.
If your application is accepted, I'll be speaking to you soon.
Here’s What Mark Gungor, One Of The Most Sought-After Speakers On Marriage and Family In The Country Has To Say About Larry…
Click the ‘play’ button below to hear what Mark had to say about Larry Bilotta on his radio show…
Mark is Sr. Pastor of Celebration Church, a multi-site church with five campuses across Wisconsin, and the CEO of Laugh Your Way America.
Mark speaks for churches, civic events, and business meetings and is a much requested speaker for the US Army.
You’re Not Crazy, It’s Not All Your Fault, But it IS Your Responsibility to Do Something If You Really Do Want This Man
If you have children, they need you to hold this family together. And when you least expect it, your husband WILL throw you a major curve-ball that will rock your world (even worse than what you’ve already seen). It's only a matter of time.
And you need to be prepared for this when it happens. But you don’t need to let your family become another divorce statistic, giving up on the man you love just yet. Deep down beneath the layers of anger is a man who needs you right now. If you have children, they need you now more than ever. A midlife crisis is a hostile experience to go through and one thing is for sure, just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, you’re not in Kansas anymore.
A Midlife crisis is a whole different world with different rules and different expectations that require a very different approach than most conventional marriage help would lead you to believe.